Accused of Misogyny: OHSHC Parody
by Friday Maria
Summary: TAKAMI (voiceover): Haruhi confesses her undying love for me when our lovely host club is accused of misogyny by a rival school! The confusion has sent every member of the host club into a turmoil- HARUHI; Stop being so obnoxious-I'm not in love with you! TAKAMI(voiceover): Don't worry, my child! Daddy will protect you from this nightmare that has befallen on us!
1. Act 1, Scene 1: Perilous Beginnings

_Enter the tired HOST CLUB: _Takami, Honey-Sempai, Mori-Sempai, Haruhi _and_ Kyoya. ZOOM OUT _to view ballroom, where the club is meeting_

NARRATOR _announces in_ BATMAN _voice_: WELCOME, to the Ouran High School Host Club. Here is where Ouran Academy's finest boys, who have too much time on their hands, flirt with the finest girls in society, who also have too much time on their hands. Now, let's begin…

_START of scene-cue cheery music_

TAKAMI _yawns_: Why, my fellow gentlemen, it has been a glorious day for the host club! Tiring, yes but nonetheless _passionate, _this is exactly what our ladies are looking for!

TAKAMI _sits down_

TAKAMI _continues, rather cheerily:_ Well, now! With our twins gone on vacation, I would've thought I'd see more happy faces! KYOYA, count up our earnings for the day, MORI-SEMPAI, get HONEY a piece of cake-

HONEY _interrupts abruptly: _Don't forget USA-CHAN!

HONEY _starts hugging his stuffed bunny_, USA-CHAN

MORI _is_ _already on his way to the nearest pastry shop_

TAKAMI _starts laughing_: of course! For USA-CHAN, as well! Haruhi, my beloved daughter, come sit on daddy's lap! You can tell him all about your time with our valued customers!

TAKAMI_ starts daydreaming about spinning_ HARUHI _around in circles_

KYOYA _interrupts _TAMAKI'S _daydream_: I suggest that you stay alert, Prince Charming. We need to focus on next week's theme.

HARUHI _looks ahead_: I think… we should do a Heaven theme…

TAMAKI _gets up from his chair with arms spread_ _out_: why, that's a lovely idea, my Haruhi! We shall do a Heaven theme next week and it shall be splendid! Yes, it should involve roses! Lots and lots of rose petals-

_Both_ KYOYA _and_ HARUHI _yell_: NO ROSES!

TAMAKI _is startled and tries to pull his sad-puppy-eyes on them_: but…but why not?

ZOOM IN on HARUHI'S _grimace_: ugh, you guys use way too much rose petals already. It's becoming a cliché! Don't you find it tacky, KYOYA-KUN, whenever someone opens our club doors, rose petals appear from nowhere and start flying towards people's faces?

KYOYA _nods and pushes up his glasses with forefinger_: I agree, and our "signature" roses are costing us abundant amounts of money per bundles. Normally, we would be able to afford it, but…

KYOYA _glances at a guilty-looking_ HARUHI

KYOYA _continues_: ….since some of us tend to be inept at noticing a 50 million yen vase before _breaking _it, we can't simply pay the expenses-plus shipping and handling.

HARUHI _gathers her school equipment_: I have to finish my homework like a COMMONER does. Honestly, I'm tired of picking up all those rose petals. I didn't sign up to be a janitor-OR a host member! But I just had to be born with a zero balance rate.

_Camera follows _HARUHI,_ who exits ballroom and notices MORI being followed by a group of handsome men in the hallway. One of them bumps into her and smirks as she passes by without noticing._

(voiceover) HARUHI _thinks:_ who are those well-fitted men? MORI'S suitors?

HARUHI giggles softly

(voiceover) HARUHI _continues her thoughts_: There are always new things happening in the HOST CLUB! Mom, you'd better hope MORI saves me a piece of cake for tomorrow…

SCENE FADES _as_ HARUHI _steps out of_ OURAN ACADEMY'S _doors, not noticing that the man who bumped into her is staring after her through an open window._


	2. Act 1, Scene 2: Mysterious Encounters

_Cue intense music_

_ENTER _CONNOR_ and handsome-looking men into empty ballroom, and the _HOST CLUB_ (exempt _HARUHI_). CAMERA ZOOMS IN on both groups looking intently at each other. Finally, _TAMAKI _ushers them to the nearest table and decides to make coffee for his surprise guests. Both table and coffee brewer appear out of nowhere._

TAMAKI _smiles and pours coffee into his surprise guest's cups_: This coffee is simply intoxicating, you have to try it! One of our host club members, HARUHI, brings it in especially from her-

CONNOR (the leader of the handsome gentlemen) _grabs his hot cup of coffee and pours it all over the table_. The HOST CLUB _has shocked expressions on their faces_.

CONNOR _fixes_ _his tie_: I don't want any of your _commoner _coffee. I'm here to talk business.

KYOYA _pushes his sheening glasses with forefinger and grabs a handkerchief from his blazer pocket. He hands it to _CONNOR, _who looks at him disgustingly and cruelly laughs_.

KYOYA _smirks and fully stands up, revealing his tall stature compared to _CONNOR'S _medium-height figure_: I would assume that you'd be a real gentleman and accept my generosity of providing a cleaning material for your mess. I was wrong about you. That'll be 1000 yen, please.

CONNOR _flinches slightly_: your commoner coffee isn't even worth thinking about, much less paying for it. Who cries over spilt coffee, anyway? A true gentleman would never serve his guest this atrocity that you call coffee.

KYOYA'S _jaw clenches_: you're contradicting yourself there, Mister…..?

CONNOR _smirks;_ CONNOR, you may call me CONNOR. Anyhow, we are here to warn you, OURAN ACADEMY, that you are best suited to stop running your…hmm, a host club, you call this mess? We are the new host club now, the REAL one! GREENLOCK HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB will conquer you!

CONNOR _and his group go out the ballroom doors_. CONNOR _stops_ _at the doorway_.

TAMAKI _stares at him intensely while_ HONEY _piggybacks_ MORI. KYOYA _looks ahead. Suddenly_, CONNOR _notices_ USA-CHAN _lying on the nearest table beside him. He picks it up and throws it harshly at_ HONEY_, who swiftly catches it with his right hand._

CONNOR: Enjoy yourselves, little boys, because the real men are here to take the homerun. Oh, and let's not forget about our dear little girl-I mean boy, HARUHI…

CONNOR _exits_

TAMAKI: don't let him get to your heads. He knows nothing about HARUHI and her true gender. I will report this to the Student Council. They can find some sort of agreement with Greenlock High.

HONEY _hops off_ MORI'S _back_

HONEY: That was fun, wasn't it? CONNOR'S just playing as if he's a bad guy but he's losing this battle! Nobody messes with OURAN!

MORI _looks at_ HONEY _tenderly:_ HONEY, it's time for your nap…

HONEY _and _MORI _exit_

TAMAKI: Well, mommy, I guess you're going to research Greenlock High and clean up-

KYOYA _has already exited as soon as he heard "mommy"._

TAMAKI _gets out his handkerchief and starts wiping the coffee-stained table._

TAMAKI _whistles "_ODE TO JOY_" softly._

(Voiceover) TAMAKI: I wish HARUHI was here, she'd know what to do…

HARUHI'S _smiling face comes up in his mind_.

TAMAKI _chuckles and continues to wipe the table._

_Soft music and scene fade_

**End of Act 1**


End file.
